I’ll be glowing!
When I first fell pregnant my head was filled with images of maternity photo shoots, women glowing, the miracle of life and all the wonders that accompany it. Since then I have found myself thinking “why the hell doesn’t anyone tell you about this?” at least once a day. Seriously, no one talks about how hard it is to be pregnant and yet we insist upon telling women to enjoy pregnancy.
Of course, every experience is different, and there in lies the problem. We cannot assume that pregnancy is, or should be, enjoyable for everyone. When I’ve been at rock bottom numerous times throughout the last 22 weeks, it has been beyond frustrating to have people shaming me for not enjoying the sheer torture that has been pregnancy so far. Here’s why it is not okay to tell women they must enjoy pregnancy.
I desperately want this baby; this baby is already loved beyond measure. My husband and I could not be more excited for this amazing miracle to arrive in a few months. However, wanting a baby, and being grateful that I am able to have children, is NOT intrinsically linked to how enjoyable my pregnancy is.
“Some people would kill to be you”
I have a chronic illness that means being pregnant puts my body under intense, unrelenting pressure. Despite the risk to my health I decided to have children. However, just because it was my decision to have a baby, it doesn’t mean I have to enjoy a difficult pregnancy. I talk more about my decision to have children while chronically ill in my article “Deciding to have children when you’re chronically ill”.
Chronic illness is one of the reasons my own pregnancy has been torture so far. The other is Hyperemesis, the debilitating sickness that left me hospitalised unable to even sip water. Anyone who has experienced Hyperemesis will tell you pregnancy is not enjoyable! Hyperemesis can kill you. Yet some people still felt it was acceptable to tell me I should be grateful because at least I could get pregnant. That was really helpful when I had just got home from 12 hours on a drip in hospital and was at breaking point. For more on my experience with Hyperemsis read my article “What not to say to someone with Hyperemsis”.
Despite the fact I have been very honest about my pregnancy journey and shared the challenges it has presented; people have still shamed me for not enjoying it. It makes me angry because the comments don’t just affect me, they affect any woman reading them who has, or had, a difficult pregnancy. No wonder we don’t talk about it when pregnancy is awful. If you’re honest about the fact you don’t enjoy pregnancy you’re met with judgement, condemnation and made to feel guilt and shame. It’s 2019, we don’t get to decide how someone else feels about something happening to their body.
Not every woman enjoys pregnancy. Just because a woman can fall pregnant, or chooses to fall pregnant, doesn’t mean she has to enjoy the experience. Not enjoying pregnancy doesn’t mean you don’t want your baby, don’t love your baby and aren’t eternally grateful that you’re having it. These things are NOT intrinsically linked. Why would we assume they are?
Words hurt.
Telling a woman who is having a difficult, or high risk, pregnancy that she should enjoy it or be grateful for it is so damaging. I have phoned my parents, or gone to my husband, ugly crying on more than one occasion throughout the last 22 weeks because someone thought it was okay to shame me for not enjoying pregnancy. I have cried myself to sleep thinking about comments that evoked feelings of guilt, shame and not being good enough. Spent too many hours wondered if there was something “wrong” with me for not enjoying being pregnant like people seemed to think I should. We need to be mindful that throw away, or insensitive, comments can be deeply harmful. The damage they do is lasting.
There is NOTHING wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with my experience and there is nothing wrong with me openly sharing that pregnancy is really hard. Pregnancy is a means to an end for me. I am willing to endure it because at the end I get an amazing baby. That is what keeps me going. On the days when I thought I was going to die because I couldn’t swallow water, the tiny life clinging on inside of me kept me going. On days when my joints are excruciatingly painful, my body feels like it can’t cope another minute and I’m emotionally and physically exhausted, the idea of meeting my child pushes me to continue.
Most people have no idea what I’ve been through this pregnancy, but that is why no one should be making comment about it. I have shared my struggles fairly openly, but my closest family and friends have witnessed first-hand the trauma I have endured. When people make ill-advised comments it not only affects me, it affects my husband, my family and my friends too.
Choose kindness
I am not writing this article to call people out; I am writing it in the hope that it stops another woman having to hear insensitive comments when she is already suffering enough. This article is written in the hope that we can learn to think before we speak, and try to show kindness and understanding. That we can start to realise everyone’s experience is different and we don’t get to decide how people feel about their own pregnancies.
There are many reasons pregnancy may not be enjoyable. For me it is suffering with hyperemesis and the difficulties chronic illness brings to pregnancy. However, anxiety has played a big part in it as well. When my hyperemesis was at its worst I was terrified I’d lose my baby. Every single day was plagued with fear. Even though my hyperemesis is now well controlled, I still get scared something will go wrong. I imagine many women feel that way, for a variety of reasons. Women who have experienced pregnancy loss must feel that anxiety, and fear, on a level I am unable to comprehend when they fall pregnant again. What if the person we are telling to enjoy pregnancy, experienced loss in a previous pregnancy? We don’t have the right to tell someone to enjoy pregnancy because we don’t know what they’ve experienced previously.
Growing a human is hard work!
Another thing we should remember is that pregnancy is hard on everyone. Even if you have the easiest, most straight forward pregnancy in the world you still have to be pregnant. No-one enjoys going to the loo 37575 times a day, or the pain of all that extra weight on your front, the fatigue, the inability to sleep and so on. Growing a human is hard work and it shouldn’t be underestimated.
I blame society for the fact that I had lovely, fluffy ideas about what being pregnant would be like. It seems like we are programmed to think that the miracle of being pregnant should override any suffering that goes along with it. Believe me, it doesn’t. People tell you to enjoy pregnancy, or be thankful for it, as if your pregnancy not being easy or enjoyable is somehow a choice. Believe me, this is not a case of mind over matter. I have a very positive attitude, but the fact is I feel like sh*t and I won’t apologise for being honest about that.
Instead of shaming women who don’t enjoy pregnancy, why don’t we offer support or kind words of encouragement. Not unsolicited advice, or empty promises of “it will get better” because for some women it won’t get better until they’ve given birth. How about we tell women that they’re amazing, doing a great job and ask if there’s anything we can do to help?
There is nothing wrong with me.
Every time we make throw away comments, or even comments said in malice (which I’ve also had) to a woman not enjoying pregnancy, it invalidates that women’s pain and suffering. I know how much it hurts when people invalidate your pain. It has harmed my mental health and caused me to question to abilities as a mother, and as a woman. The doubts that plague me already are only amplified when I am shamed by others for not enjoying my pregnancy.
Next time someone says they’re struggling in pregnancy, think twice before you comment. No matter what your own experiences are, it is not okay to project them onto someone else. Just because being able to carry a baby is a blessing, it does not mean it’s enjoyable. You can be grateful you can do it, without being grateful that it is causing you suffering. Just because some women find pregnancy enjoyable or wonderful, it doesn’t mean everyone does. You don’t get to invalidate someone’s suffering based on your own, or someone else’s, experience. It tears women down during an already vulnerable and difficult time.
We need to get rid of this idea that not enjoying pregnancy is somehow wrong or abnormal. It doesn’t make you less motherly or nurturing. It doesn’t mean you’re any less grateful for the life growing inside you or any less excited about their impending arrival. There is nothing wrong with you if you don’t enjoy pregnancy. I don’t, frankly I hate it and I won’t apologise for that. Stop telling women to enjoy their suffering, stop telling them to suck it up because some people can’t have children and stop shaming them for feeling something that is entirely normal. It is okay to hate being pregnant, while also feeling thankful for the baby growing inside you. One does not cancel out the other!
I’ll end with a word of warning, to the next person who thinks it’s a good idea to comment on my enjoyment of pregnancy, watch out. I’m bloated, sweaty, hormonal, in pain and hungry. Make a stupid comment and I’ll probably eat you! Peace out.
