“It’s impossible to pour from an empty cup”
What I need you to know when I don’t reply to your messages is that it’s not because I don’t care. It isn’t because I’m not interested or don’t want to spend time with you. It’s because, honestly, I’m exhausted. I’m running on empty, and it’s impossible to pour from an empty cup. I’d love to tell you the Pandemic burnt me out but, the truth is, I was exhausted long before that. I am not the friend you deserve at times, but I need you to give me grace.
Being chronically ill is exhausting. Not the kind of exhausted a good nap can fix. It’s never ending fatigue that fluctuates on a spectrum of bearability, but never goes away. It’s also exhausting being a Mum (amazing, but exhausting). Combine the two and I’m in a permanent state of complete exhaustion. What I need you to know when I don’t reply is that I still love you. I still care even when I’m absent. I think of you often and wish I had the energy left at the end of the day to pick up the phone.
Prioritising takes on a whole new meaning when you’re chronically ill. Even the most straight forward, mundane tasks have to be taken into account when planning my day. I wish you knew how much I miss being the friend who was always present. It was way more fun than having to weigh up whether cleaning or cooking the tea should take priority in terms of my energy levels. I would much prefer to see you or speak with you, but life isn’t that simple anymore.
What I need you to know when I don’t reply, is that I’m doing my best. I know it may not seem it, but I promise I’m doing the best I can.
“Even on my worst days, I have to keep going”
You may, or may not, have heard of “The Spoon Theory”. It is basically a way of explaining that chronically ill people have a more limited energy supply than healthy people. I prefer the Battery Analogy personally so I will use that.
Healthy people start their day with 100 percent battery life (or there abouts because everyone has days where they’re running low on energy). Someone with chronic illness starts their day with 50 percent battery life (on a good day). The percentage varies person to person, and day to day but it’s never 100 percent. If I start the day on 50 percent, I’m already running so far behind my old energy levels. After taking care of my son and normal day to day tasks I am left on one percent by 6pm. On days where I do lovely things like meet a friend or take my son somewhere fun it depletes my energy to such a level that I start the next day in a deficit. Over time that takes a toll mentally and physically.
It’s not like I can just crash into bed like I used to, to try and recover. Even on my worst days, where my pain levels are sky high and my battery is on five percent before I’ve even had breakfast, I have to keep going. I’m a Mum, and someone is relying on me. Sometimes I’m so drained by the end of the day that I can do nothing but lie and stare into space. I can’t even concentrate on the TV. Other days I mindlessly scroll Facebook, trying to muster up the energy to do the final tasks on my to do list before bed. Those times you probably see me “active” but your message stays on read. Or worse, read but not responded to. I know you probably think that makes me rude, but I need you to know it is simply because I have nothing left.
I am a good friend
When we speak, especially about anything important, I want to be able to focus. I want to give you the best of me. Sometimes that will mean waiting a little longer for me to read and/or reply. Please know this is because I want to reply when I can offer you enough of myself to meet the level of “adequate friend” at a minimum. I prefer when I can offer you the best of me though, because I am, and can be, a good friend. I just need a little more grace than I used to. Those of you who give me that, I love you and I appreciate it more than you know.
The thing is, we live in a fast world where our expectations of each other can often be unreasonable. Chronic illness has taught me the art of slowing down. For that I am grateful, though it was never lesson I never wanted to learn. Chronic illness has also taught me that it’s okay to prioritise myself and my needs. It’s okay to say “no” or “not today” (see my article on saying no for more on that).
None of us can pour from an empty cup, and yet so often we keep trying to pour long after we are empty. That needs to change, and not just for those of us with chronic illness. We all need to give our friends a little more grace. Adjust our expectations. Accept that people can love us, but can’t always be what we need in that moment. That doesn’t mean they don’t care, it means they’re human.
What I need you to know when I don’t reply, is that I understand that you can’t always reply to me either. I see everything you’re juggling, I know how life gets in the way and I will always try to give you grace.
Self care isn’t a scape goat for being toxic
This article is not me saying you should accept crappy treatment from people. Some friendships are toxic, and it’s important to weed those ones out. Self care isn’t a scapegoat for treating people badly, or taking more than you give regularly. Those kind of “friendships” do more harm than good, and as my good friend Cass says, you should “scrape them off”. Most of our friends probably aren’t toxic though, and we likely know the ones who are. Those are the ones we need to move on from, because toxic friendships are no good for anyone.
The friends who remain, those are the ones we need to love even when it’s tough and give them grace when they fall short of what we need. If you do that, your friendships grow and are sustainable throughout the years. Those are the friendships that can stand the test of time and navigate life hardships while remaining strong. I have a few of those friendships, and I don’t take them for granted. They are the ones that survived even when my health failed. The kind of friendship that we all need.
The next time someone doesn’t read your message, reply right away, or falls short of your expectations, consider giving them grace. Consider the things you may not know, and give them the benefit of the doubt. Do it for them, and expect them to also do it for you. Friendship is a two way street, one that we can all make a little less bumpy if we just give each other grace.
