The dreaded question
So what do you do? It’s a question I dread and it’s usually about the third question we ask someone when we first meet them. It’s a question usually only proceeded by asking someone their name and where they’re from. It is amazing that despite how complex and interesting human beings are, we think what they do for a living is the third most important thing about them.
What do you do? It is a question some people can answer with ease. However, for many chronically ill or disabled people it is a question that evokes dread and shame. It is drummed into us from a young age that our worth in society is based on what we do for a living. So what about those of us who can’t work or had to give up work because of our health?
I cannot describe how awkward I feel when I am asked ‘what I do’. My health means I can no longer work, and despite the fact that is nothing to be ashamed of, I still feel shame.
When asked what I do I have answered many different ways in the three years since I stopped working. Answers such as, “I’m taking a break from my career for health reasons”, “I’m in-between jobs but I used to do X”, “I’m studying to change my career”, “I’m unable to work for health reasons but I used to do X” and “I work from home/I’m a writer/I run a blog”. It frustrates me that I never give the straight forward answer, “I don’t work because I can’t anymore”. I don’t need to follow it up with “but I used to” because having a job doesn’t define my worth.
What if it was different?
The truth is I do run a blog, but any money it makes all goes back into keeping it running. I hope one day I can earn a living writing, but these things take time. Soon I’ll be a stay at home mum, and maybe that will give me an easier answer. However, knowing how much mums are judged (whether they work or not) it probably won’t make things any easier.
I wish when people asked me what I do, I could tell them about what I love to do. I wish I could tell them what I’m passionate about and what I enjoy doing. Maybe that is what I should be doing, but I can never seem to find the confidence. I remember reading something a while ago on a facebook page that said “don’t tell people what you do for a living, tell people what you live to do”. What if we all did that?
What do you live to do?
I live to go to the beach. The sea air and the sound of waves crashing on the shore soothes my soul. I live for phone calls with my best friend and inside jokes. No matter how sad I am my husband can always make me cry laughing. My dog can always make me smile. I live to explore the world (and my own backyard). Even when I can’t walk, I wheel with pride and never let pain steal my joy. I live for Christmas time, hot chocolate and cheesy Christmas films. Nothing makes me happier than cups of tea on a dreary day, or the smell of the peat fire at my mum and dad’s house. I love to see other people happy and random acts of kindness make my day. I love seeing people be wonderful to each other, even when they don’t know someone is watching.
It makes my heart happy to see my Dad take my Mum on a date, or my brother chasing his dreams. I live for motorbike racing, long talks about nothing in particular and lazy days in the sun. Flowers in Spring, snow in Winter and falling leaves in Autumn fill me with joy. I live for the times my husband dances me around the kitchen, or we sing loudly and out of tune on car journeys. I live for night time drives and beautiful sunsets. All of these things make me who I am. Not working doesn’t change that.
What if I told people any, or all, of these things when asked “what I do”. What if I replied with “I live to love, laugh and explore the world, what do you live to do?”
Your worth is not defined by your ability to work
Imagine if we all answered in this way when someone asked what we do? Imagine the joy we could share? I know it’s easy to feel ashamed or sad when you can’t work. I know it hurts when your dream career is torn away by chronic illness or disability. But I challenge you to make your own list today.
What do you live to do? What makes your heart happy? You are not defined by what you do, or can’t do, for a living. You are defined by what you live to do and what you love to do. Imagine if we started sharing more of those things and focused less on what we do to make a living. After all the saying goes “don’t live to work, work to live”. What we do for a living is one small part of a million things that make us who we are. Not working doesn’t make you less, and it certainly doesn’t detract from how wonderful you are or how much you matter in this world.
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