1) Introduce yourself – Who are you, where are you from and a bit about yourself.
I’m Jessica. I’m from Nottingham but moved to Lincoln when I was 11. I always have been, and always will be, very devoted to my family. My Grandma was my entire world. When my mum and dad split, my world crashed and she made me feel 10000x better, she was my idol, my inspiration and more than anything, my world. When she was diagnosed with Dementia in 2011, my world began to fall apart. I cared for her, looked after her and most of all, made sure her life was the best it could be. Whether it was taking her out in her wheelchair or taking her to the pub, if she was happy, so was I.
She’s now gone and I’ve found it immensely hard to adjust to my soul mate not being here, but I’ve had to.
2) What illness/condition/disability do you have? When did your symptoms start? And what were they?
I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I was officially diagnosed in 2011. However I have suffered with it ever since sixth form and when my grandma started to become unwell.
My symptoms are usually low mood, lethargic, feeling worthless, fed up and having bad thoughts. My symptoms can range from any of those, to me being very quiet, distressed or terrified. It varies from day to day. Some days I feel like I could be physically sick with worry, the next day I could want to pull my hair out. My symptoms used to be more irrational and unexpected, however now I do feel I can control them to a certain degree. One example of this is I have attempted suicide in the past but I wouldn’t attempt suicide again.
My suicide attempted happened in 2012, everything was getting on top of me, it was just before Christmas I felt there was no other way out. It happened, an overdose. Without going into too much detail, I was found, an ambulance was called and I had to be admitted and stay in hospital. The after effects were excruciating and I think that’s when it hit me, what I’d attempted, done and how much I’d hurt those around me. The dread began, (no one was allowed to stay with me, so awaiting for family to come and visit was nerve wracking to say the least) but all was ok, everyone very emotional but I just couldn’t wait to get home. I had a small attempt to end my life before this, but since being admitted, I can honestly say no more attempts have been made! And what an amazing feeling it is to say that and admit I’ve struggled but I feel I’m out the other side, not without any struggles but a hell of a lot less struggling along the way!
3) What was it like getting a diagnosis? Were doctors good/bad? Were you taken seriously? Did it take a long time?
I’ve been for four different types of therapy, in total around eight times (sometimes went for the same therapy twice). It’s been a heck of a journey, from hospital admissions, to rehabilitation to trying to manage on my own. I feel I always may struggle, however I’ve learnt SO much about myself, my family and people in general. Some Doctors were helpful, some not so much, however I’m here and that’s all I try and focus on.
4) Had you heard of your illness/condition/disability before you were diagnosed?
I had heard of mental health conditions, but not in as much depth. Ever since I’ve come to terms with my condition, I’ve worked within the mental health sector. Whether it be with dementia (which was a little close to home) autism, bipolar, schizophrenia… as long as I’m helping someone, I’m happy.
5) How did you feel when you were told your diagnosis?
I felt relieved, because I thought I was ‘mental’ or ‘messed up’. I was kind of glad to know there was a reason behind this. As odd as that may sound!
6) What treatment did you have? Were there any problems?
I have had lots of different treatments.
The amount of medication I’ve tried is ridiculous, antipsychotics, antidepressants, anti anxiety medication, SSRI’s, SSNI’s. Some have helped over time, some not so much. Some work for a while then have no effect. Changing medication is always a gamble, a gamble I never want to take, however sometimes I have to, to improve things!
I will get there, it’s been nearly ten years, but I WILL get there!
Other treatments I’ve had included Well-being Therapy, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy -CBT (privately and through the nhs, four different times), Dialectical Behavioural Therapy- DBT, Crisis Team, beareavment counselling and inpatient help. Some has helped, some not so much, however it’s given me knowledge and skills!
7) Did family/friends/colleagues take it seriously? Did they support you?
Yes!! My family has been my absolute life line, at my lowest, they visited me, comforted me, and believed in me. Even though I was suicidal and hopeless. Without them, I can honestly say, I wouldn’t be here today.
8) How does your illness/condition/disability affect your life?
It affects my life daily. I feel different from day to day and it varies so much! However, I take every day as it comes and try and go with the flow. Knowing the triggers and re-lapses makes a difference.
9) What is something you wish people knew about it?
I wish people knew about the symptoms and the affects BPD can have on your life. I wish they knew the struggles and hardness of the condition over all and the tiredness from having to put on a front all the time!
10) Anything else you’d like to share about it or your experience?
I don’t think so, thank you!
